Rick Scott was born with a silver spoon. Unfortunately at some point during childbirth the spoon became dislodged from his mouth and became embedded within a more insidious orifice. This would be an unfortunate beginning to what would eventually become one of the most notorious lives ever lived.
Rick Scott was born in Illinois, a state renowned for not having ever had any known instances of political corruption, or any kind of economic corruption for that matter either. At a very young age Rick was caught playing “for profit doctor” with another one of his male classmates. His teacher suggested to his parents that they ought to raise him in Missouri, where those sort of things were more acceptable. And so he was uprooted from his humble beginnings, a move that would cause him to hold great disdain for all public school teachers for the remainder of his life.
It was in Missouri that Scott first became good friends with Satan. While attending high school young Rick was heavily influenced by the popularity of Quaaludes. It would be his fondness for ludes combined with their decreased availability that would later propel him to become involved in the pharmaceutical industry. In order to fuel his constant need for Quaaludes high school Rick Scott would perform special “favors” for the school janitor Stan Fluerica. One day after particularly sweaty favor session young Rick proclaimed his desire to become the most powerful dark wizard in the world. “If only I had real power, I would show those Muggles” young Rick bemoaned. It was then that janitor Stan began to undulate more unusual than normal, and as his horns protruded from above his eyes (both the lazy one, as well as the good one) Stan Fluerica revealed his true identity as the prince of Darkness, Satan himself. “Oh powerful Satan” Rick exclaimed “I should have known it was you the whole time, for no mere janitor could have filled such a young lads whimsy as you have, my liege”. “Save your tongue, foul human. For you will need it to weave the most masterful lies this realm has ever seen. One day, your simple utterance of not having recollection of your own actions will have greater power than you could ever imagine!” his voice echoed. “I offer you this simple exchange. I will bestow upon you the most vile being this world has ever seen, but in order to do so you must sacrifice to me the luxurious, bountiful locks of hair frame your head so well”. Young Rick sat, looking quite puzzled for a moment at the proposition at hand. “But my beautiful hair is the only thing that has ever brought me fancy. All charisma I possess would be entirely obliterated”! “You must decide, and the decision must come before your eighteenth birthday. At your simple beckoning I will bestow upon thee what you desire, the choice is yours”.
TO BE CONTINUED...
